I can’t stop smiling, even though I didn’t vote for Barack Obama. Even though I have every reason to expect that a liberal-controlled government will run us farther into economic recession than we are right now, I can’t stop smiling.
I’m quite sure I wouldn’t have smiled as much, had McCain won.
I’m happy for everyone who supported Obama and who has had to suffer under an administration they never believed in for eight years. I’m glad that the other half of America will have to look at themselves today, and consider why they lost their power. Reproof is good for people; in Proverbs it says that “correction is the way of life.” Only beloved folks receive correction, and half the nation was handed a large correction yesterday. This is not a bad thing.
And I’m most happy that this election settled the question of whether we have healed our racial past or not. Yesterday, we showed that we have, and I’m so glad. I knew we had; you knew we had; but now everyone in the world knows we did, and we can move on.
24 responses so far ↓
Alida // November 5, 2008 at 12:07 PM |
Yep, I keep tearing up.
renaissanceguy // November 5, 2008 at 4:52 PM |
Eve, good post.
I can’t say that I have smiled much, but I did think about the Obama supporters and did feel a tinge of happiness for them. If I can’t be completely happy, I am glad that they can be.
As you say, I knew that there are no longer the enormous racial problems that some people claim there are in America. Let’s hope that this election puts the victim mentally to rest once and for all. Since Obama got tons of votes from caucasian people, let’s hope that his election puts to rest the notion that all white people are racists. Let’s also hope that if and when another black person runs for high office, we don’t have to waste time and energy discussing his or her race.
Eve // November 5, 2008 at 8:10 PM |
RG, yes indeed. Over all, I am looking on the bright side. Another plus I see from Obama’s election is that now the healing that has to take place must take place among African Americans. I saw numerous interviews with blacks who said they only voted for Obama due to race. Imagine if a person of another race said they only voted for McCain because he was white! There would be an uproar.
Our nation has been like a large abusive family in which the abuser went to treatment but the spouse and children continue in their codependency. This could be an opportunity for tremendous blessing in terms of the effect on the collective unconscious and also on an entire people–African Americans.
The conservative/libertarian parts of me were not happy. Don’t get me wrong, a part of me felt depressed because of the principles that have been and will continue to be violated. I have no confidence in Obama as a leader; but I don’t really have to have confidence in him. As Laura Ingraham said today, “I don’t need someone to save me; I have a savior, Jesus Christ.”
I liked that.
Aunty Christ // November 5, 2008 at 8:38 PM |
I am so so so happy to have a non-Republican in office. I’ve voted in four elections, so Bush is my primary experience with how a Republican presidency goes. And let me just say, I’ve had enough Republican, thank you.
Last night, when Fox called the race for Obama, it was like a 50-ton weight had been lifted off my chest. And I hadn’t really even known it was there, or at least why it was there.
As for whether this act has healed our racial past, though, or whether there are enormous racial problems in the U.S., I kind of feel that as a white person I don’t get to make that call. It’s great that so many voters felt comfortable with supporting a black president, sure. And it’s also great that, as I’ve read and heard so much today, a lot of black Americans are feeling enfranchised, proud and hopeful because of the election. But I also saw quite a few videos during the election featuring white McCain supporters who swore up and down that they could not vote for this man, mostly, it seemed, because of his name. Which has to be code for “his race.” That’s the only way I can figure it, anyway. Again and again–”President Uh-bah-meh?” Roll of eyes, look of disgust. So I’m thinking, America has now proved that it’s not 100% racist–and good for us–but there’s still room for improvement.
I actually think this Onion article is spot on: “Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress.” A quote: “It remained unclear whether the failing economy, dilapidated housing market, crumbling national infrastructure, health care crisis, energy crisis, and five-year-long disastrous war in Iraq had made the nation crappy enough to rise above 300 years of racial prejudice and make lasting change.” Love it.
I’ve heard a lot of people today talking about how Obama being elected was a great achievement for African Americans, and a lot of others noting that it’s a great achievement for America. I kind of agree with both those ideas, but I can’t help but feel that the more we stand around and talk about our achievement, the less great we make it. If that makes sense.
Irene // November 5, 2008 at 10:31 PM |
Late last year we had our elections for Government. We saw a new leader come up in the Opposition who was considered inexperienced, and suddenly many people felt this incredible surge of hope for a different future from the past, one which had been governed by an extremely conservative and blinkered man in Australia for the past ten years. Hope for a new future is an incredible motivator – it was for many here who saw a great need for action in regards to our environment and climate change, amongst other important issues.
I too saw how many people came out to vote an African American into power. Their radiant hope for a different future was so powerful in their hearts, it actually made them go to vote. It must have given them great healing. But that also makes me think, what an incredible mass projection this new President will have to carry and be judged by. I do not envy the expectation that will be put upon him by the hopeful many. Obama will be their reason to give life another go, in some cases. I do hope that he will have good people around him to support and advise him, for the good of everyone.
I hope too that this experience of contributing to society by making a vote will stay with all those people the next time it comes again, perhaps with a broader motivation. I found your comment, Eve, “Our nation has been like a large abusive family in which the abuser went to treatment but the spouse and children continue in their codependency” to be very interesting, and may reflect in a similar way here with our indigenous population. I don’t normally feel the right to comment on such issues, but there seems to be something ringing true in those words. My heart goes out to all those ‘codependent’ people, and hope they will find strength and courage to live differently in the future.
Who knows what healing was necessary for the development of such a country? Who knows why for some greater purpose this is how things have turned out?
Meanwhile, here in my country, our new leader has gone on to initially give great hope, but then a turning economy has taken precedence. We all see that the grandstanding of politics will never go away. I wish they would all grow up and get on with serious concern for the people they govern.
helenl // November 5, 2008 at 10:44 PM |
Great Day For America
This is a great day for America.
A cloud has been lifted,
and we see the sun.
This election is historic.
We just elected the first Black
POTUS,
but our work is not yet over.
We’ll know that work is really over,
when we quit celebrating Black firsts.
Yes, this is a time
for our nation to stop spinning its wheels,
a time to move forward.
The future is bright.
Let the healing begin.
henitsirk // November 5, 2008 at 11:52 PM |
So now we’re on a different swing on the political cycle. It will be interesting to see where we go from here. What kind of character our new leaders will display, and what leadership challenges they will rise to, and fail in.
I was very excited to read today that there is a strong indication that Robert Kennedy may be chosen to head the EPA, for example. He’s passionate about the environment and has a lot of experience. I am also happy that the world’s view of the US will improve, most likely, based on the election.
Now all we need is a gay president, and a female president, and then a Hispanic president, and then maybe our history of racism and prejudice can truly be said to be over.
Even if many people voted simply to elect a Black man, which is not an appropriate criterion on which to base a vote, it was still inspiring and heart warming to see such a huge voter turnout. That’s really how it should always be! I hope the fact that so many young people felt inspired and empowered to vote this time leads to sustained civic participation in the future.
Frank_Rizzo // November 6, 2008 at 3:32 AM |
Well, as a gun carrying right wing whack job I can’t say I smiled today about Obama winning. I did however think the gloom and doom predictions from many of my Republican friends were drastically overstated. I believe that Obama will govern mainly from the center, he will regulate financial markets, improve our image internationally, and probably do an adequate job compared to some other presidents.
What I find interesting however is how much credit he gets for beating McCain. Really any viable Democratic candidate could have won in the same numbers. Viable doesn’t include Kucinich or for that matter Howard Dean. G Dub has caused so much animosity that this country forgot what conservatives are really about. What Obama deserves the most credit for is defeating Hillary. I mean really, he beat a Clinton!!! That is worth of accolades and much praise. His defeating Hillary in the primary was nothing short of amazing. After he pulled that off, the rest was just associating McCain with Bush.
Of course McCain was not G.W. Obama’s consistent four more years of Bush were beyond negative campaigning. I mean come on, would you rather be accused of “paling around with terrorists” or being “four more years of Bush”. I have a hard time deciding. Obama is MY President come January 20th. I am a patriot dammit, and I support my President.
Helenl, I have to laugh a bit about your POTUS reference as I made one last night among very politically involved friends and they stared at me blankly. It was among both dems and repubs, nobody got it. I didn’t bother explaining as I enjoy being the only one who gets something. I’m OK with you taking being the only one who gets something away. I do however have to admit that if I had never watched….here it goes…The West Wing, I’d never know what it meant either. One of the things I love about the blogosphere is nobody who knows me personally will know that I watched the West Wing. Eve, if you tell anyone remember I do have many, many weapons.
All the best and God Bless the United States and it’s President Elect. (I wonder if a Republican won the left would have been so generous. I really hope to find out in 2012!)
Helen Parocha // November 6, 2008 at 3:37 AM |
My perspective is not particularly relevant considering that a) I’m not American, and b) I am almost completely ignorant of US politics and the situation there. What has really surprised me, though, is the focus on race in this election. When McCain gave his concession speech – which I was impressed with – I was totally astounded that he mentioned the victory as a first for African American people. Throughout the build-up to the election, what stood out to me about Obama was that he appeared so young. I didn’t realise the fact he is black was any sort of issue… but listening to the reactions to his victory, I can see that this was a big issue for many people. I suppose what I’m saying is that I agree with the other commenters, that when race ceases to be an issue, that’s when progress has been made. Let’s hope that day can arrive soon – in every country.
Lee // November 6, 2008 at 9:22 AM |
In my employment I have an elderly woman who lives where i work. She informed me most emphatically that she was voting for the first time in many years. She was voting because she couldn’t have “THAT” (and trust me ‘that’ was really really emphasized) man in the White House. Then all of “THOSE” people would take over and white people would get the short end of the stick in all facets of life. Then she looked at me after these words which I perceived as hateful and said “now I know you have black babies but that is the truth and you know it.” I smiled or tried to and said that this was her truth, not mine and we would need to agree to disagree. It bothered me so much because when I adopted my children she knit each one of them a beautiful sweater. Sweaters that I treasure (I am one of those moms who save things that are handmade to pass on when the child has their own family). It is hard for me to reconcile that act of caring with the words of racism. And it happened at work where above all, I can’t defend my views as safely as I could should we have been neighbors speaking on the street etc.
However, the election happened as I hoped. More than that, the day afterwards another elderly woman came to my office. Almost exactly the same age as the previous woman. She asked if I had voted and I said oh of course, I always vote. (except one primary when I was deathly ill!) She said that she did too and she was so excited watching the election results. Her only sadness was that she didn’t have anyone to watch the results with and that she was so happy she had lived to see such a tremendous step forward for our country.
I guess above all, the balance gave me hope!
Eve // November 6, 2008 at 10:06 AM |
Aunty, yes, what you said about the more we talk about it, the less valuable it is makes some sense. I suspect that a lot of us focus on the historic election of a black man because we don’t want to focus on the fact that we just elected the most far left senator we could have elected, while half the country was dead set against him.
I’ve been voting for a long time and was privileged to enjoy Ronald Reagan’s Republican administration and the most heinous Jimmy Carter’s as well. I found Clinton about as middle-of-the-road as possible for a Democrat, and would much have preferred Hillary or McCain in office (same difference, if you ask me).
George W. Bush was not the conservative that conservatives wanted him to be, or the conservative he said he was. He let us all down, and we conservatives have him to thank, in part, for our current failure.
Your opinion is that the war was a colossal failure; but many do not share your perspective. About half of Americans support the effort still, even though we want our troops home and want the U.S. to focus more on domestic problems than other peoples’ problems elsewhere.
Just as there’s a regular business cycle of bear and bull markets, there is a regular political cycle. By the time you’re my age, you’ll see that what I’m about to predict is true. In two years, the Republicans will gain a majority again in congress, because the conservatives have just been issued a wake-up call, and we need balance. We need balance not only politically, but for healthy spirituality in the collective level, and other than during the Great Depression, we’ve almost always had that. Perhaps I’m mistaken, and it’s time that we leave our roots forever; however, I don’t think we’re at that point in history yet.
I also predict that Obama will run for a second term but may well be beaten. However, he’ll get all the mileage he can by blaming Bush for the problems he himself helped create through refusing to support the conservative reforms of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae that were so needed and that did not happen. If people continue with their starry-eyed hero projections, they’ll elect him again. And the government will continue to grow. It grew under a so-called conservative president and congress, and it will grow even more under the liberals. The beast is a beast and it isn’t what it appears to be; and so it will continue to grow as a self-perpetuating creature that feeds off the life of the productive members of society.
Since you’re not middle-aged yet, you’ll probably dismiss what I say as the thoughts of some old codger who doesn’t know what she’s talking about. But I’ll tell you this; when I first started voting, I went maverick and voted against all that my parents and grandparents believed in. I was always quite liberal and trounced at family dinners year after year.
But as we had children and built a business, I began to see that grandma and grandpa were right. The Biblical principles I learned after coming out of an atheist household were also true. And so now I’ve lived long enough to say it yet again, “grandma and grandpa were right.”
Neither liberalism nor conservatism will save us. It’s all about moral character and fiber, so the real question is, can we do the right thing? Can we love our neighbor as ourselves, and are we trying to do that in the political realm?
Eve // November 6, 2008 at 10:29 AM |
Irene, bless you for such a thoughtful post. Much of what you wrote was deeply moving to me, because I find in you someone who can see through the obvious to the nuanced spiritual beneath the surface.
You wrote, “It must have given them great healing. But that also makes me think, what an incredible mass projection this new President will have to carry and be judged by. I do not envy the expectation that will be put upon him by the hopeful many.” And also, you could see the possibility of our large dysfunctional national family.
I am soon to begin writing about this, provoked by events of the past month or two in my own blogging life, and also by reading a post on David Rochester’s blog. Some weeks ago, before I took off on the political and business blogging I was doing, I had encounters with two regular readers who wrote what served as provocative comments to me either publicly or privately. I said back then that I’d sort myself out and write about it after I did, and now I’ve done that. I’m soon to lay it all out.
What does this have to do with your comment? Well, healing and health on a mass scale work much like that on an individual scale, although it is much less likely that entire groups, especially nations, can be healed. The nature of the collective is to be dragged down by enlargement rather than up. The more numbers in a collective, the more mindless the collective is and the more sentient rather than sapient.
Nevertheless, I’ll lay out what I’ve learned, much as David Rochester laid out a beautiful example of robustness on his blog recently, or similarly to how Deb has changed her way of being and become more whole.
(Actually, I have to say that nearly all the blogs I read or link to have authors who regularly provide excellent examples of mental health. Which is ironic when you consider that some are diagnosed as mentally ill. ;o) But mental health is as mental health does.)
I’ll get to it and see if I am brave enough to tell stories on myself, as well as show how it works and, ultimately, what this may mean on a national scale.
Finally, you said you don’t feel that you have the right to comment on racial issues, I presume because you’re white. I think this feeling is common among whites or among the majority race in any country where the indigenous people or others of another race have been recently enslaved, abused, or disenfranchised en masse, as your aboriginal people have, or as our Native Americans and African Americans have.
Irene, we all have a right to comment because what has been done and what continues to be done is part of every person. I’m not being New Age when I say this, I’m being as traditionally, sincerely Judeo-Christian as I can possibly be. “Love your neighbor as yourself” is the most ancient of all moral directives, and it shows that until I am willing to see my neighbor as myself, I am not fully born.
“You don’t understand” is tantamount to saying “I want to carry this pain forever without your interference.” My African American son told me that yesterday at school, white kids were coming up to him and congratulating him on the win. He was angry, because he’s a conservative who voted for McCain! He said, “I’m not a victim. That is not my president. He does not speak for me, and none of his ancestors were even American slaves! His dad was from Kenya and he didn’t even know his dad. I know both my dads, and I come from American-owned slaves on one side of my family and slave owners on the other! Maybe I’ll run for president without making race an issue.”
Of course, I chided him and told him that Obama is now his president elect, and reminded him of our moral duty as Christians. But his point was well taken. He reminded me of the MLK quote about the country King dreamed of, where people were judged by their moral character. I decided to make a widget out of it, because it really is about moral character.
So, Irene, when your moral self has something to say, then in my opinion you have every reason to say it. I wish that the students congratulating my son would have been able to see past his skin color and done something more human, such as asking, “What’s your response to the election?” And then listening. Because it was not listening, and not treating the Other as a human being that made slavery possible.
We’re only one step away from some kind of bullying and another kind of slavery when we will not listen to others when they say, “You are causing me pain.” And when we agree to stay around people who will not listen, and will only continue to cause pain, then again we are slaves.
The Karpman Drama Triangle (look it up in Wiki, it’s interesting) illustrates how the dysfunctional relationship works. This is the way I see our country acting right now, all through the election, over the past eight years, and predict it will act in the future. Your nation, too, will no doubt go that way.
What’s most needed, Irene, is for people like us who know how to run the bases of the triangle mentally, and see the situation from each corner and then move away from it (transcend), to talk about it. Write about it. Paint it. Dance it. Do whatever we need to communicate that there is something better out there, and a kingdom available inside for the taking.
So speak your truth, I think. I have seen that you know how to speak it, even moreso to paint it. Keep painting, because in my opinion this world needs all the truth spoken through love it can get, and you’re one of those people capable of doing it. Even if you think you have no right to speak about something due to lack of entitlement. I think being human entitles us to a voice, and something not-right is what tells us we must be quiet, says “you have no right.”
Question that authority, I suggest.
Eve // November 6, 2008 at 10:34 AM |
Helen, I’ll be borrowing your “let the healing begin” line for my next blog post.
The healing already began. It began centuries ago when Puritans and Catholics objected to slavery and were punished for it. It began when people like Sojourner Truth or Harriet Tubman or Frederick Douglass or W. E. B. DuBois kept saying “I’m no slave.” It began with Dr. King and Malcom X and Jack and Bobby Kennedy. It has been happening all along.
This is just another step in the process, an historic one to be sure. But the healing did not begin yesterday. Nor did the entire process of health converge in this historic event (as several have pointed out to me by way of correction of my own sentimentality).
But we both probably know that. Yet this seems a good time for sentimentality and romantic notions of expansive progress. It’s something; I suppose we will have to wait to see just what it is.
Eve // November 6, 2008 at 10:45 AM |
Heni, women were disenfranchised in the U.S. until 1920; black males could vote by 1865. I’d say a woman president or vice president is needed before a gay man. It interests me that our country has as whole made so much of a black man being elected, when we might also have elected our first female vice president. And both Michelle Obama and Sarah Palin took so much female-directed heat this election.
Don’t get me started on gender! I may write for months on that! ;o)
And, not to chide you, but I notice there are no Asians in your list. Due to a quarter century of home schooling and having children of every race (or family members of every race), I know quite a bit about the history of the different races in the U.S. Real history, not text book history. Real history read from primary sources, such as diaries, journals, authobiographices. My children have consistently been more knowledgeable even than many of their history professors.
Yes, I am bragging.
The Chinese in this country were abused to the nth degree, but Asians seldom make anyone’s list of the disenfranchised. Native Americans were treated profanely, and I notice they don’t make political reparations lists much, either. I, for one, believe we ought to have a Native American president. Perhaps we might elect Tom Cole, Oklahoman Representative for the 4th district, a Chickasaw Indian.
In fact, I think we should just stop having elections altogether and start appointing presidents. They can be figureheads, like the queens or kings of England. Plus, we can pick good looking, suave ones like Obama (although in my opinion we ought to replace Michelle with a more traditional First Lady model who knows how to pick a decent dress for election night).
And I also think—
Wow, look at that tangent I went off on. I’m going to just go ahead and blame you, my friend, so I don’t have to take responsibility for running off at the keyboard again.
Thanks for yet another inspiring comment. Your words are often like a diving board for me. I yell “COWABUNGA!” as I jump.
Eve // November 6, 2008 at 10:56 AM |
Frank, no, the Dems were not gracious when Bush won again in 2004. They won’t be when they lose in the next election cycle adjustment. There’s some lack of moral fibre on both the far left and the far right, though as we know, the far right likes to toot its own moral horn ad nauseum. Moral is as moral does, I say.
I didn’t learn “POTUS” from watching the West Wing, by the way. I learned it from reading Tom Clancy.
Finally, your comments about the election results were good, and I agree. This election was not statistically different from others, and G.W. got out the vote exactly as well as Obama did with a similar result: victory. In fact, many do not know that Obama used Republican campaign advisors who helped Bush succeed. LOL! He said he would win, and he did what he needed to do to win. I think the character of Obama is that he has to have his way, and he intends to win. I think this is the way he will govern until he has the soup knocked out of him by reality. I’m looking forward to watching the office of the presidency force him to grow up and learn to share, yield, and deal with disappointment. I look forward to seeing whether this man can become real, instead of being a mere projection magnet (as Bush was before him).
I think “palling around with terrorists” is not as bad as “another George W. Bush.” That was the funniest part of your comment! Ha ha!
Eve // November 6, 2008 at 11:09 AM |
Helen, race was the central issue for blacks in this country, who voted across party lines to go (as best as we can tell at this point) 96% for Obama. Many African Americans admitted that race was the #1 reason they voted for Obama, as did some whites (like Helenl, for instance, who urged people to vote in a black man and get it overwith).
Blacks in America are the victim in the Karpman Drama Triangle and have, as a group, refused to move out of it. The exception are (no surprise here) the few blacks who have moved into conservative politics, or the Bill Cosbys of our country. Actually, THE Bill Cosby.
Although other races have been as badly abused, they did not stay in the victim corner (in my opinion)—take Native Americans, for example. And, while the Chinese or Irish didn’t suffer as much as Africans, they suffered. But the idea of an Irish person demanding reparations is downright silly.
Our nation is guilt ridden far past the time when we ought not to have been. Like the cheating spouse who repents and comes back but spends the rest of his married life making up for his wrong, we’re stuck right there. I think this election will do a lot to move us past the guilt phase, to the point of people saying “get over it, we elected Obama, didn’t we?”
We’ll see what happens. I can see this being an improvement, or I can see it being a lightning rod for our suppressed racial hatreds on both sides (and my personal experience is that black Americans are as racist, or more racist than whites). There’s a lot of mistrust and racial division still; but nobody will ever be able to say again that a black person can’t make it in America, or that whites are so racist they’ll never elect a black man. They just did, and without a majority of white votes, he wouldn’t be our president elect today.
It’s a big deal over here. I have my psychological ideas about our collective identity that I’ll be going in to, if I remember. Just in case I don’t, let me say that America’s heritage is the disenfranchised, orphan child heritage. Our mother country, England, sent off her unwanted sons to here, the third sons who had no inheritance, the poor who couldn’t make it in England, the indentured servant (kind of like the slavery of Biblical times, when you might redeem yourself after a long time), and the religious objector.
We came here as orphans or red-headed step children, and we went into abuser mode by enslaving Native Americans and, later, Africans. And Chinese. And the Irish. Everyone we could, basically. Then, in our guilt over having identified with the abuser, we over-adjusted into rescuer or victim mode ourselves. I see white America as largely in rescue mode all the time, hence our need to vote liberals who intend to take from the productive and give to the unproductive. This is no different from parents supporting their 30-something year old drunk or addicted son who is living in the spare bedroom, because they just have to rescue him. That does not work in real families and it doesn’t work in a national family, either. But we keep on doing it.
And it’s going to be our ruin this generation or the next, or the next, until and unless the healthy family members do an intervention that leads to spiritual renewal, individual and collective accountability and responsibility, and ultimate sobriety.
With American politics being what they are, there is little chance that this will happen. But, if enough individuals become whole and “sober,” so to speak, we can still raise consciousness. This is what I am hoping for.
Jesus said that the wheat and the tares (weeds that look like real wheat) would grow up together until the end of the world. I’d like to be real, robust, healthy wheat that provides nourishment. My country needs that in its way; yours needs it in its own way, too. As you look back at your history, including your country’s spiritual and religious history, you will be able to see what your country needs from you.
What is it? When you find out, I suspect you’ll find with some surprise that you knew that and were already doing it, but being aware will give new meaning and energy to your going about your everday life.
(This has been a word from our sponsor.)
Eve // November 6, 2008 at 11:22 AM |
Lee, what a great story about both grannies. The balance you saw between the perspectives of the first elderly lady and the second really is hopeful. It also illustrates that age is not what determines a person’s perspective. An open mind is an open mind at any age.
I can see how you can reconcile the caring sweater knitting with the “those people” comment; here’s one way:
As I commented earlier in this thread of comments, group-think is always stupider than self-think. When we vote, we usually think on a collective level, “us” versus “them.” She had to be in that mindset rather than in the self mindset, because the self or individual mindset is the one that knitted the sweaters. And would do nothing to harm your children.
The first lady doesn’t connect the dots very well, common for so many. I’m not sure what I would have said in the same circumstance. I had a similar situation happen to me after we adopted our first child from Korea. My great-aunt, then in her 70s, gave me a quilt top made by her own mother, my great-grandmother. When she gave it to me, she said, “Pass this on to one of your daughters, but not to Fern (my Korean daughter), because she may go back to Korea some day and take it with her.”
I suspect that at the time she meant I should give it to my biological daughter, for I only had two daughters then. She meant to give it to blood, because it came from blood. She was not developed enough to be otherwise.
My response to her in the moment was to thank her for the quilt top, which I treasure, and to make no promise whatsoever. I acted as if she hadn’t even said what she said. I wanted to think about it.
Usually when someone with whom I have regular contact makes a provocative statement, I mull it over for quite some time. Provocation is a sign of a “button” or what Jung called a “complex,” and everyone has them. We have hundreds of them. In this case, your button was a moral or philosophical one. What do do about it, though? My usual response is to think about it, pray it over if need be, and to give myself a checkup. If need be, I go back to Biblical principles involved in both perspectives, thumb through my Jung and other depth psycholgists, call to mind recovery principles, or even take a look at actual laws (depends on the conflict). Then I nearly always go back to the person, tell them what my response was, what I now think about it, and give them the opportunity to see things my way and tell me how to see things their way. You can make a great friend or a great enemy this way, and get thousands of miles of enlightenment from one pushed button. It might as well be through this little old lady as through your spouse or mother or teenage kid. ;o) I like to benefit from distance rather than be forced to take my hits at home.
So, after this comment from my aunt bothered me, I thought it through and slept on it for a long time, so to speak. Some months later I told her that her comment had made me curious. I asked her what her thoughts and feelings were about our adoption. She had many thoughts and feelings, including the fact that she had once found an abandoned baby on her car seat and had struggled over whether to adopt the baby or not. But she was in her 50s and too old, she said. She herself was childless and never could have a child. So her feelings about children and adoption ran very deep. They were not about race at all, for she had zero experience with Asians and no attachment of any kind to thoughts for or against Korea. She had many feelings about being childless and about being abandoned by an adopted child, though. She felt adoption was not “real” and that adopted children always “go back.” This is a common fear among adoptive parents and can ruin the chance of an adoptive parent to the entitlement they need to raise their child with robust, whole love and whole hearts.
Anyway, after you let this comment settle, you could always consider going to your lady friend and asking her about her comment. If you tell her how you felt, and then ask her feelings, experiences, and thoughts, you can just listen. Don’t proselytize or educate. Just listen first. You will have time to educate later, if need be. If you can conquer your fear and trembling and can open up enough to listen, you will learn something about how to shine your light even brighter for people like that.
This is not to say that shining our lights always changes darkness. It doesn’t. You can be Jesus Christ or Martin Luther King, Jr. and speak the truth and still be killed for it. But in my opinion, one of our duties as transracial adoptive parents is to be the multi-racial people we are.
Lee, I am not white. I absolutely am not. I’m black, yellow, red, white, tan, and (as Oprah recently said) even now purple. I’m not white any more, and neither are you. Be the best parent of color you can be. ;o) Perhaps this lady’s comments are your invitation to think outside your white box and realize that you’re not white any more. She would never have said that to you if you were black. Obviously, your black identity is not showing. Go black, my friend, or you won’t be able to give your children what they need, and you won’t get what you need out of being a transracial adoptive parent, either. I know some things about this from experience and I’m proud to say that my children of color are duly colored and they thrive among their same-race peers. I would love to tell you about this sometime, although it’s not scientific at all. Just regular old experience. But the transracial adoptive parents I know whose kids are well rounded racially are different from the ones who stayed white, so to speak. It just takes a nudge or two before you’re off the edge and deep inside know that you’re not white any more.
And, frankly Lee, nobody is white. We never were. Genetically we all descended from the same female (let me give a shout out to the First Eve!), and she was African. This is a fact, as far as we know, and we know a lot. We can help ourselves and others across the Great Divide and into true multiracial existence; that’s why we had to adopt transracially (I am writing on a philosophical level, here). We had to, because that’s how awareness grows.
helenl // November 6, 2008 at 11:39 AM |
Eve, I want to point you to an essay by Tony Parent of Wake Forest, who served as my thesis adviser.
Excerpt on my blog, where you can comment, if you choose.
http://helenl.wordpress.com/2008/11/05/african-american-reaction-to-the-election-of-obama/
Link to article on WF site, no space for comments provided.
http://www.wfu.edu/wowf/2008/20081105.parent.html
Alida // November 6, 2008 at 1:43 PM |
Eve,
I sat was in a sociology class at Cal State Fullerton. My professor was a black man. I remember how happy he was when he annouced to the class that the oldest specimen of a woman found was African. He smiled broadly and with a twinkle in his eye announced, “Brothers and Sisters you are all African!” It was so endearing, I still smile at the thought of him and his joy.
Mei-Ling // November 6, 2008 at 1:49 PM |
“And I’m most happy that this election settled the question of whether we have healed our racial past or not.”
Eh, the U.S. isn’t quite there yet.
But this is definitely a major improvement and a huge accomplishment.
(Note: I’m not American but just thought I’d put in my two cents)
Eve // November 6, 2008 at 4:11 PM |
Mei-Ling, point well taken. A lot of us, including me, have been a bit overcome over the progess we have made. Human nature never overcomes its -isms; but our spiritual nature may.
Let’s continue to feed the spirit and cultivate the eternal, I say. Much of what Dr. King referred to in his “I Have a Dream” speech has come to pass. I was a little overcome at the idea of seeing Jesse Jackson weep, and over the thought of Dr. King cheering us on from heaven. ;o)
henitsirk // November 6, 2008 at 10:31 PM |
You know, I think I remember typing “Asian” in that list and then taking it out for brevity. Just as I took out “half-Black” and simply wrote “Black” on my blog, which brought me some grief from my own mother! So, I agree, an Asian or even more so a Native American president would also be a strong sign of healing for our country. Similarly, I chose to say “gay” instead of “GLBT”, which led you to believe I was talking about a gay male president. Sigh.
Yeah, what was Michelle Obama wearing? It made her look either pregnant or like she had on a bright red apron! Hopefully she gets some good advice over the next few months on that. I remember how dowdy Hillary Clinton was back in the day
If we do ever go the figurehead route, I say we choose Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They’re so photogenic!
Lee // November 7, 2008 at 8:34 AM |
Eve, thank you for that most thoughtful response. I deeply appreciate the different angle you gave to my situation with a sweater knitting loving granny then making such a racist comment. It truly helps. I don’t want to look at this woman and seethe every month when she visits my office and I was having such a hard time reconciling her actions with her words.
Unfortunately due to the fact that my interaction with her is really employment related, I am not comfortable taking the conversation further, because while it would allow opportunities for understanding and growth for all of us, it could also violate the terms of my job.
I do see myself as multicultural and probably most of my family friends and the residents where I work do as well. The apt community where I have worked for these past 30 yrs is demographically comprised of about more than 50 per cent minorities. (One of my ‘fun’ jobs is to prove our percentages to the govt annually!)
One of the very best experiences I had in preparing for adoption was a tele-course that was required by our agency on the issues of transracial adoption. Since this was not our first adoption (we had all ready adopted internationally and via social services at this point) I remember rather arrogantly telling my wife that I wasn’t sure there would be anything of help. Was i ever wrong! It was so much more helpful to talk with adult transracial adoptees and really hear their stories. To talk with the black atty on the panel (who ultimately became our atty in that and another adoption) who talked of being shadowed as she walked through high end stores to shop.
My kids too seem very comfortable in situations where they are with peers or adults of their racial background.
And for what it is worth, I am not 100% sure that my resident would not have still said what she did if she perceived my blackness! (grin)
As always, thanks for keeping me pondering!
Eve // November 10, 2008 at 2:13 PM |
Lee, thanks for letting me see a little more into your world. Our families sound similar. We, too, adopted through social services; we too adopted internationally; and we too adopted transracially (in every case). And here we are, one big, happy, boisterous family. We’ve been family for so long that we don’t even feel like there was a time when we were not. I smile as I write this; I am so incredibly blessed. Sounds like you know that feeling, too.