Yes, the whole quote at the end is Alice Miller’s. I read her “Drama of the Gifted Child” about once a year and benefit from it every time. It reminds me of how much suffering people do when they grew up unloved.

I’ll probably keep harping on this, but you’re going to have all these grief reactions for awhile. You had about 18 months of a real life, and now that’s been taken away from you. You haven’t even been able to fully sort out your marriage, which was no doubt spent largely raising a challenging child. I know what that’s like, because every wounded child we’ve taken into our home and hearts has taken an incredible amount of energy, time, and effort. You practically sweat blood most days. That one needy family member takes almost everything the parents have; everyone pays. It takes gargantuan effort to maintain some kind of health in the face of that kind of need.

This is multiplied when your child has a disability. Our daughter was mentally and physically disabled and there’s an entirely different set of challenges for parents facing that. You have the ongoing grief, trying to accept this reality of an always-dependent child. There are many other griefs and many fears.

So of course you’re sad. And of course nobody in their right mind would want to have to suffer through that.

I, too, sometimes think I would like to only feel happiness. But then I’d be a sorry writer. ;o)

It’s normal for children to leave home and I want that. The problem with Katie, as you know, is that she’s not an adult and never will be. Last night at supper we discussed with our son what we want to happen should her father and I die. If Katie should ever be diagnosed with cancer, we don’t want any treatment for her, except to keep her comfortable. This is not a normal supper conversation in most families I’m guessing but it is in our household.

Nothing’s normal in our house and for the year and a half that Katie was gone I could convince myself otherwise but we’re not a normal family and we won’t have a normal life. I’m sad about that too.

I’m sad about everything today. I love that last paragraph you’ve written, is that also by Alice Miller? It’s true, I would prefer to only ever feel happy but that’s not real life. In reality, all emotions are present in varying degrees throughout a day, a week, a month or a year. They come and they go, including anger.